Time to Face the Music

I had an epiphany. I am a runner. I run from everything. 

You know when you have time to think about the way your life has been and you start to contemplate all the ways you have made your own life difficult, and have no choice but to get angry with yourself. I am that person. 

If I didn't like a person, place or thing I would just leave. And so far for the last 20 something years it has backfired on me tremendously. One would think that I would have learned by now to just be still and wait instead of always jumping the gun. 

Finally this time, something clicked. I wanted to be still. I know I've said how hectic my life has been over the last few years but, not only that...over the last 2 months things have been increasingly worse. We argued. He doesn't understand me. I don't believe him. He left, I stayed (in a nutshell). Yeah, I know....I STILL can't believe I stayed. 

The days when I think I can make it, are great and then something hits me and turns my temperament the exact opposite direction. I am experiencing a new kind of pain. Growing pains. It excruciating when we outgrow things, it seems as though I've outgrown my self. 

I want to convince myself that I'm strong enough to handle this, that I can really make it through the curve balls that life throws at me, but more and more I'm realizing that I'm not. I feel like the Great Wall of China. Walls so high you can't climb,  still penetrable yet; somehow UNBREAKABLE. 

I'm learning that I'm my worst enemy. The only obstacle is me. I know where I'm weak, strong and where I WON'T be broken. 

Peace and blessings...