No Looking Back (Chap. 1)

Ok world, for years I've thought about being a novelist; I've read hundreds of books by some of the best fiction writers of today. I think I am FINALLY ready to give it a shot. Let me know what you think as I am very interested in your feedback. 

Here goes nothing....

                                    No Looking Back

Chapter 1

Kaylynn walked away from him, knowing that once she got in her car and drove away, she would never feel the same towards Damar. She knew that in every possible way her life and relationship with him would change...if he made it.

The sirens jarred her from her daydream, she jumped into her 13 year old Pontiac Grand AM and did her best to speed away from the chaos that she had brought to an abrupt end, she never wanted to look back, and hopefully she never would. 

Not even 10 minutes before, Kaylnn walked up on Damar's, brand new SUV and put more holes in it than Scarface had in him at the end of that movie. She tucked her baby .380 back in her Louie duffle  and hoped that Damar and that bitch where still inside. She didn't want to kill them but she did want them to hurt as much as they'd hurt her. She wanted them to have a pysical reminder of the pain they caused her.

For the last six years Kaylnn and Damar had been in an unhealthy relationship, cheating, lying, misgivings and misunderstandings were the cornerstones of their courtship. But even though the negatives constantly seemed to out weigh the positives, something had held them captives of their love. 

Kaylynn, was a staff writer for the paper in Kansas City; she loved writing with all her heart and believed that it would take her far in her life. She appreciated knowing that she was able to impact peoples lives through her words, for that reason she was sure to choose them carefully. She and Damar had been college sweethearts. They met one night at a sorority party that she just so happened to stop in on as she was home from Tennessee to visit her family. 

Immediately she was attracted to him; she knew that Damar was something special. He was tall, milk chocolate, perfect teeth, deep waves in his hair and he always made sure that he looked and smelled like a small piece of heaven! From the moment she saw him, she knew she had to have him in her life. Kaylnn loved him on site. 

Before Damar she'd never been one to believe in love at first sight and from now on she would run from the feeling if it ever again came her way. Damar was her dream man, he'd possessed all of the qualities that she had been looking for. For so long she thought she needed him, but not any more.

She pulled into the line at the gas station in downtown Kansas City, and decided that it was now safe to make a call since she was so far away from the wreckage. 

"Hey Granny," she called the only person in the world would tell her the gospel truth, her grandmother. 

"Hey babe how are you today?" 

"Not so good granny, I'm thinking about quitting the paper" 

"Why, I thought you loved working there, isn't that why you spent all that time in college?" She said laughing. 

Kaylnn had spent 6 long years playing around and taking her sweet-time finishing her bachelors degree in journalism. 'Who cares how long it took me' she thought, it was a great time and worth it. 

She laughed "yes Granny, but I don't think that my career is taking off like I want it to. Plus, I think I want to move closer to you and Papa." 

She hated not being able to tell her grandmother the whole reason why she wanted to move out of the city, but she knew it was for the best and that later after everything died down she would be able to confide in her Granny as she'd always had. 

After stopping at the gas station, she went home, to wait on what she was sure to come, a visit from the Kansas City Police Department. 

Just a thought

I love hard. I fall harder. My heart is foolish.

-Serena Williams

I Quit!!

I'm not sure how this is getting easier...

Wait, yes I am. We've done this a few times before. Things are good -great even- you leave, blame me, I'm distraught. You find a way back. Reset.

All of things come into play every few months except this time, I'm not distraught.

Hurt?

Yes. Torn to pieces like a hundred times before; not so much.

Have you ever been hurt so much you're bullet proof? As much as I know I should be hurt and crying I'm really not. I'm numb.

You deserve an Oscar Award. You've made me believe that you'd protect my heart so many times and in the end you choose your heart over mine.

This post isn't about you; it's more so as to how I've allowed myself to become a person who I no longer respect. How can I expect anyone else to respect me if I don't give myself the same credit.

I've seen this movie a time or three too many, and even tho I know the ending I still cry like it was a surprise.

I QUIT (*throws hands up*)!

I hope it feels as good as you expected to win?!

Rolling in the Deep

Well blog-o-sphere, it seems as though I have fallen into a free moment to blab about a little of everything.

Have you ever wondered why people who say they love you do the things they do? Of course you have.

It seems as though each and every time I allow myself to love you completely, let my guard down, believe that you are who you say you will be, you hurt me. You say you love me but your actions say otherwise. You say you love me but you are so quick to leave me, standing alone with no one to blame, but myself for once again thinking that you were going to treat my heart with the delicacy that it deserves.

You played me. Again.

I thought that my heart couldn't survive another heart break, another loss of the same person. I truly don't understand why it's so hard for you to love me. It perplexes me. It makes me feel completely empty. How selfish of me to need you so badly and not care that you may need to be free from me.

I know that the reality is that you keep walking out of my life, and that there is a reason for that. I know that the cosmos wouldn't keep taking you from me if you were really mine. If you were the one.

I believed in my heart that you were going to make this time. I thought for sure THIS time, my heart and love were worth the effort, the arguments, the race. The fight.

It feels as though you are short changing me. I don't want the short end of the stick, I would rather have you.

But like a ton of bricks it hit me.....you don't love me.

Far Away

Before I saw the video for Marsha Ambrosious' song "Far Away" it held a very different meaning for me. The video depicts two gay men and the loss that is felt after one dies from suicide. But for me the song made me think of a love lost.

I think of how great love can be at first but begin to wither as time and circumstance come into play. I wonder how we end up staying in relationships that are wrong but with the right person? Ever think about that? How is it that we love someone and in the beginning they seem so right for us but after time and a few bad arguments and situations we realize we need to leave but can't?

A friend told me the other day that some times we're so damages and dysfunctional that we can't be in a functional relationship. Is that true? Can we be so ruined by a love so deep that we are unable to participate in a positive and healthy relationship?

I hate when people say "the heart wants what the heart wants." DUH!! Our hearts speak to us from a place of solitude and sincerity. So of course it has the ability to convince our minds that its desires are genuine, true and logical but that's not always the case.

Loving in any capacity has taken its toll on me, the person I am and who I desire to be...I think I need a time out!