Mixed Signal=Traffic Jam

Lately I've been hearing a lot about people sending mixed signals in relationships and to be honest it seems to me that the main reason for the confusion is that people are unable to clearly communicate their thoughts and feelings.

The other day, a good friend told me that "communication rules the nation," now as cheesy as that sounds, it's true. How can we be involved with some one and not know how to explain how we feel. Mixed signals are problematic, obviously because they are difficult to interpret.

Often times we find ourselves getting mentally tongue tied making it harder to articulate how we feel. More so, I think that when we get this way it's from one of three things: we're not sure how we feel, don't want to hurt feelings or we're playing games. I hate to be crass but these are the only real reasons for an emotional mix up.

For example if you're not sure of your own feelings, the safest thing to do is to let the other person know what's on your mind. Clamming-up isn't an form of expression, but quite the opposite. When you're fighting an emotional battle within your self, you don't suffer, your lover does. Only because they can't read you.

Secondly, we send mixed signals because we think that it's the best way to save face, keep from being the "bad" guy, and let the person down easily. It's not. Be an adult and flat out tell them that your not interested and keep it moving.

Lastly, people send mixed signals because they are playing games. Common courtesy says that you treat people the way you want to be treated. If you don't want any one to play with your heart, and constantly yo-yo-ing your heart back and forth then do them a favor and let them go...sometimes I think we hold on to people because we want them, but just not yet. You want them to be there when you're ready to settle down. Life doesn't work like that. It's not fair to hold some one an emotional hostage until you're ready to be what they need you to be. In the end you'll only make them bitter toward you.

I'll leave you with this: if mixed signals cause traffic jams on the streets, doesn't it stand to reason that they would do the same in your life? Be clear, mean what you say and say what you mean. Mixed signals=Traffic Jams

Over-estimated, Under-rated

Ok so the more I read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," by Steve Harvey, the more I feel like I have always (kinda sorta) understood the male species. As I continue to turn pages I realize how simple their needs are and how easy it could be to please both them and myself.

Ladies it dawned on me as I flipped through the pages that our problem is not that we don't understand the men in our lives or the men that we would like to be in our lives, but instead two things: we over analyze/complicate things and we under estimate the value of our own common sense.

First we make things too complex by thinking that men think the same way we do. They don't. Plain and simple, their thought process is much less complicated than ours. We find ways to make things difficult.

We (women) need to get to the point, be direct without being rough. For example if you like a man to be prompt and call when he says he's going to, you could say "I put forth the effort to do what I say, so if I say I'll be there at 7pm then I do whatever it takes to be there on time if not earlier." Instead of saying "I hate waiting on people," Get it!?

If you're laughing it's because you're guilty of being harshly blunt. I know this is something I have done myself, so I can't pass any judgements. Everything is easier to digest when its dipped in sugar. Its just like when you're getting ready to go out with friends and one of them has on an outfit that isn't flattering on her frame, you don't say "you look a mess" but instead you say "do you have a shirt that looks like..." its all about finesse!

We constantly say how we just want these men to be upfront with us, but a lot of the time we're not upfront with them....not the way we expect them to be with us. If we want them to do something we expect them to just know what we need, but DUH! They aren't mind readers they don't know unless we tell them.

I have come to realize two things that we teach people how to treat us and that men will be what we tell them we think they are. If you begin a relationship and your significant other is mean and talks down to you then that's how they will always talk to you, until you decide to check their behavior. If you are constantly telling someone that they are a liar, then that's the role they'll play; since you already think they're lying they will. Sad but true.

Wrap your mind around this and let me know what you think...I'll be waiting!

"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

So I've started reading the New York Times Bestseller, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by King of Comedy comedian Steve Harvey; and it's really a trip. I must admit that Steve has given me a few interesting things to think about and of course to blog about.

There's a chapter in the book called "The Three P's: Profess, Protect and Provide" allow to me explain (briefly). Steve said that real men who really love you will do the following, Profess what you are to them, protect you and provide for you.

After reading this I can say that things are making a little more sense than they did before. If a man loves you and your important to him then he will make sure to introduce you with a title and he'll make sure that everyone one who is important to him knows that you're his girl, boo, baby mama or friend. He goes on to say that if he introduces you as his friend that make no mistakes about it, you are nothing more than just his friend and more than likely you won't advance in his world.

Obviously we (women) expect our men to protect us, keep us safe from hurt or harm or danger, in other words we expect them to be faster than a speeding bullet, beat up the bad guys, hold our hands when we're scared and cuddle up with us at night to be our teddy bear. But how can we expect him to take care of us when we fail to see that he may have fears of his own, are we willing to be the same super hero that we expect them to be?

Lastly Harvey talks about the mans need to be the provider and be acknowledged by his lady for doing so. A real man won't give you the change after he's gone on a shopping spree, but instead make sure that he has all the bills paid, food in the house, gas in the car clothes on every one's back and then he'll use whatever is left to treat you and himself. (good point)

There are too many men shying away from their responsibility and we as women are letting them. We make excuses for them and they make excuses for themselves, it gets old and tiring relatively fast. Where are all the real men in the world? And why do we have to hunt so hard to find you? Come out of hiding and claim some of these real women, who are willing to be Wonder Woman to you, to stand beside you and love on you something serious.

"If you have a man who is willing to do these three things for you, trust me, he's all in."

Force of Nature

Letting go is the hardest part of having a relationship. Moving on and forward can some times seem impossible, especially when you weren't the one ready to put an end to things in the first place.

How come no one tells us that love is all good until its time to come down from the high it gives?

We have our lives planned, and think that we will find some one, they'll sweep us off our feet, we'll get married and ride off into the sunset together. And when things don't work like that it almost puts us in a catatonic trance, a coma if you will.

Why is it that we keep ourselves from feeling what we need to feel, in order to move on? Why do our friends try to take our minds off of the emotions that we need to feel that are apart of the "grieving" process; because that's what a break up is-the death of one part of our lives-isn't it? What's wrong with being just a little sad for a little while?

Sometimes love seems timeless and all I can do think of how this person has changed my life, how he has showed me how incredibly strong, overwhelmingly vulnerable I am and how loyal my love can be. I catch my self having to defend my feelings to friends and family which seems dumb. It is. I am a grown woman and I feel sorry for any other woman who has not had the opportunity to love this deep, to this magnitude, with this much sincerity.

I wish I knew what it was that kept my mind constantly on him, even when I'm not in the wrong, when I'm innocent, and things are just flat out bad...I love him. Even though I don't know what he's thinking, or doing, I still catch my thoughts running off track, and him running on the same one. His aura has some type of pull on me. Maybe what I am feeling is unnatural, because when you think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, the love I feel is bordering un-healthy. I would do anything for him, he is my friend, and at this point I could careless that people will judge what I'm feeling and how I choose to express my feelings but oh well! No matter what anyone says I refuse to believe that he doesn't think of me like I think of him...

This man is a force of nature, nothing to be reckoned with. Loving him is a typhoon- a total disaster- but a beautiful one. I love this man...and I can't stop....he's like a force of nature

Pretty Wings

Life for me is changing so much lately, as many thoughts and ideas cross my mind I realize that love is a lot like "Redbull" (yes, the energy drink) it gives us wings. But what those colorful commercials fail to show us is how those wings seem to wear off when love is fading fast. As you all know I'm a music lover, and lately I've been listening to the new Maxwell single "Pretty Wings" and every word of this song reigns true to the effects of love and love lost.

If hind sight is 20/20, and love is a fleeting feeling, then where does that leave us, who does that make us?

Maxwell says "I had to set you free, a way for me to see clearly, the way that love can be when you are not with me, I had to leave...if I can't have you, let love set you free to fly your pretty wings around."

We often take lovers and relationships for granted thinking that they'll be there, waiting in the wings until we need them. We tell each other how our love is unconditional and steadfast. But in all honestly how many of us really mean this or even know what it is to love at this level? Very few. We forgive when its convenient, we love when the we feel like it and give up when the going gets tough.

But what happens when our love is morphed into something we no longer recognize, and we begin to dislike the person we've become?

Things happen in relationships that we aren't proud of, that we wish we could take back in an instant, we lie, we hurt each other in ways that some one we call a friend would be incapable of, we cuddle with and tell each other how much we love each other and then in a moment we treat each other worse than we would treat a stranger.

Someone told me about something called an 80/20 rule...that you shouldn't leave some one who is giving you 80% of themselves for someone who will only give you 2o%. In that case I suppose no one ever REALLY gives 100% of themselves.

"I came wrong, you were right, transformed your love into light, baby believe me I'm sorry I told you lies...I should have showed you better nights, better times, better days...I miss you more and more."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we need to take a step back to re-evaluate the situation/relationship in order to take a step forward. Think about that...

Daisy of Love???

So the other day I was flipping through the channels and of course there was nothing on t.v. so I ended up settling on VH1's "Daisy of Love." I know this is not my normal kind of blog but I can't help myself.


After the show "Flavor of Love" we've become addicted to watching these inevitable train wrecks that are sad excuses for quality t.v. shows, and sadly "Daisy of Love" is no different.

In the past 5 or 6 years VH1 has lost their minds and so have we, but at least there were decent actors who could remotely fool us into thinking that they liked, and could potentially love Flavor Flav, Bret Michael's, New York and Real and Chance, but Daisy is the worst of them all. As I watched I saw her go into a fit because one of her guys decided he wanted to go home, yet; with all the plastic surgery she's had done to her face instead of looking like a human being crying she looked like a frightened wildebeest. I hate to be so harsh but man...I was a little scared.

What's even more disturbing is that her cry was completely unconvincing. These are clearly semi-scripted shows, with very little reality involved and some of the worst "actors" the country has to offer.

It saddens me to see that we have no problem watching other peoples love lives or lack there of like it and even more so to know that there is nothing else on t.v. that will keep us entertained. This show shouldn't be called "Daisy of Love" but instead Rotten Flower of a Joke.

Better to have Loved....?

Lately I've been hearing people say "it's better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all," but is that really true? Is it better to have gotten involved with some one, become emotionally attached to them, comfortable with them and love them only to watch it fall apart?

Honestly; I'm torn. I'm a firm believer in love and all that it comes with, except when I think about how the pains of a love gone wrong are or can be too much to bear. I begin to think that it's not worth it at all. In relationships we give all we have (if you're like me you do) putting your everything into some one else's happiness and then when the relationship goes sour we're left with a void in our hearts the size of the Grand Canyon!

What are we supposed to do then? I'm learning that love is a fleeting feeling that we can only hope to hold on to. Strangely enough when we're in love we have blinders on and can only see what our hearts tell us to, nothing more or less. Only taking notice of the things that make us happy in the relationship and loving being able to make our men (or women) happy. Love makes us see through rose colored lenses, but when it's over and done should we be happy to have had to experience or angry that we got so involved?

Loving, (the right way) makes us feel like we're floating, it's a high that we get addicted to like crack coursing through our veins. We depend on our boyfriend or girlfriend to supply us with something without a face or a name, but something only they can unleash. And when its gone we go through the same levels of with drawl as recovering addicts.

I think as humans we are all looking for love in some form or another. Searching for the one thing within someone else that makes us feel complete, special, desirable and of course loved. But I'm sure that the dreaded fall from "cloud 9" is something we can all do with out.

They say hind sight is 20/20, and I believe in that 100%. I can't say whether or not I think its better to have loved and known of those feelings, than to go a life time in search of them. Love puts us in a drug induced trance, and all we're guilty of is constantly chasing the high..."It's funny when you're coming in first, but you hope that it lasts" think about it.

It's a Thin Line

When people say it's a "thin line between love and hate" they may as well have said that there's an invisible line that's crossed and once it's crossed it feel like you took an Olympic sized leap to get there.

Why is that love and hate go hand in hand? What makes us love so hard and deep and then when the tables turn what morphs that love into a seething, rooted, blood-boiling hatred for our used to be lover?

Love is a funny thing, we know that it's supposed to be patient, kind and all that but when does it go from that cloud 9 feeling to mean and spitefulness that seem to take you to the pits of hades (sorry to be so dramatic) but that's how it feels sometimes, right? I guess what I'm trying to ask is why love morphs into its complete opposite without any apparent warning and why is the feeling so intense?

How are we supposed to handle this? Do we remain calm, not do anything, ignoring the problem and feeling in hopes that things will just vanish? Or do we pull a "Jazmin Sullivan" and bust the windows out of their car? Now readers I'm not advising anyone to do anything stupid like actually busting the windows out of some one's car -you will go to jail for that- but we've all heard the song and at times it seems like the right/easiest thing to do.

Love and hate automatically bring out the best and worst in us. Forcing us to go from blissful feelings to being insensitive, uncaring, and down right hurtful. But if ever at any point we loved that person in any way, shape or form, we shouldn't want to hurt them or see them suffer, that's simply our own inner pain, guilt or anger manifesting into life. Isn't it something to realize that in most cases love doesn't rule us the way we think it does, but instead that the anger festering deep within us is what drives us when things don't go our way.

Things we never thought we'd do, say or thought would/could happen to us occur, and we allow them to make us different people. To hurt the ones we know love us and visa versa.

So to say that it's a "thin line between love and hate" almost seems like an understatement. It should really say there's NO line between love and hate, the two happily co-exist until our paths differ and we veer off into the left lane...don't get it? Marinate on it for a while at 350 degrees and if you still come up with nothing leave a comment and let me know so we can talk about it.

Falling In or Out?

I've been thinking lately about the ways in which we fall in love, how we behave, how are emotions rule us and then the ways that we begin to fall out of love with the person who we thought we were so connected with.

Is it possible to truly fall out of love with some one OR is it that we have just lost sight of the things that bonded and united us? What makes it feel like we've fallen out of love, or better yet what makes us think that we've fallen in love in the first place?

Love is a funny thing, at one point we crave it, we need it, we think it's the answer to problems of loneliness and at some points, self-loathing. It's a confidence booster, a smile maker, a heart throb and medicine when we feel Tylenol won't cure our ailing hearts.

Yet; when the tables turn and we start to feel like we are falling out of love with our "better half" we become irritable, uninterested, intolerable and flat out mean. But what warrants this change in behavior with a person who we've become so engaged with and spent so much time with this person. Is it a single action or a multitude of things? I guess the question is: what does it take to disconnect with our love?

We know that men and women are so utterly different and we often say that "we just don't understand the opposite sex" (p.s. we shouldn't even try to understand them, they've been a mystery and probably always will) but regardless of what we fail to understand we are simply people are our needs are pretty basic for the most part. We want, patience, friendship and the list goes on, but we have to be mindful that we are in relationships with another breathing, thinking person who has their own needs, opinions and ideas of what they need, want and expect from a relationship.

In saying that we are/have fallen out of love it almost sounds as if we have given up on what we thought would make us last, I don't know if that's true, maybe I'm a little far reaching but knowing that there was something that bound us to this person is enough to make us want to hold on to those feelings. It's understandable that people are ever evolving and growing and that sometimes can throw us for a loop but isn't that the inevitable? Isn't that what we know for sure is that change is a permanent facet of life?

Falling out of love maybe in fact be a natural part of life and love, but it could also be a conscious happening as well. But before we plunge into the fall which ever way it may go in or out of love, be mindful, be thoughtful and be able to place yourself in your loves shoes for a moment and hear exactly what their heart is telling you. Even if it's not what your heart wants to hear...easier said than done? Of course, but that's the way love goes

My Funny Valentine

A friend of mine decided to share his Valentine's Day Experience with me, and in doing so he gave me, the laugh and motivation, so desperately needed to write this.


Here we go:


He called me and told me that his girlfriend who his is usually having problems with surprised him for the evening with a basket of goodies, in which he described as being like an Easter Basket but the kind you can buy off the side of the road; and a home cooked meal...in the buff!


Now as any one can guess, this is practically every man's fantasy: food and a naked woman! Well as she began to undress, he says that her facial expressions turned from excitement and lust to disdain and discomfort. So being the "gentleman" he is, he offered to cook the meal himself. Upon doing so, his valentine began to cry, and for the life of him he couldn't understand why. Here he is thinking that he was about to get a special treat from the woman that he loves and now that he's the one giving himself the treat she has the nerve to cry?!


Clearly my friend is confused, as he should be. But are we as women just playing the role? Meaning are we pretending like something is wrong when it really isn't just to get some attention? And if this is the case, men why aren't you taking notice to our attention hoarding?

We all know that both sexes are unpredictable and unstable. So in essence neither her behavior or his response shouldn't have been a surprise, but then again, she did take advantage of the situation. By pushing him to the limit and making him feel like he's the one who does the most, always compromises and is the only one apologizing, it would bring anyone to a breaking point.

This time I won't leave you with my thoughts on this particular issue, however; a question. Ladies what do you think is going on with her and how do you feel about his reaction?

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget?! Why do people always tell us that? Like its a simple thing to forgive some one for wronging you, hurting your feelings or just plain old letting you down.

Today a friend of mine told me that she didn't understand how I was able to be so forgiving of people. I told her that it's not easy to say you forgive some one, it's a task in its self. It takes practice, love and patience. Often times we forget that loving someone is a risk and in risks we have no real control over what happens. Also we have to be mindful that forgiveness takes forethought.

Trust me, forgiving someone who I KNOW has hurt me is definitely hard to do. But you have to make a conscious choice to forgive and move forward. If someone says their sorry and you say you forgive them; then you have to be done with it, move on and let it go. When you say you forgive its almost like signing a contract between the two of you.

For example: When you make a mistake, and you apologize you are hoping that the other person has enough compassion to whole-heartedly forgive you and be able to move forward. So when your lover (or any other person for that matter) does you wrong accept their apology and let it go. Again, I have to say that you don't have to forget about what happened but if they say their sorry find it in your self to (I hate to say this but) "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and forgive them.

Forgiving means that you aren't constantly bringing up the incident, reminding them of how they hurt you, or trying to make them feel bad about what they did. It means pushing it to the back of your mind, doing your best NOT to remember it and doing your best to LET IT GO! I know this can be as hard as spear fishing but with practice it's not impossible.

It takes a big person to admit they were wrong and an even bigger person to accept that apology and try to re-gain some kind of normalcy in the relationship.

You know I'm an avid Dr.Phil watcher and I believe him when he says that every relationship needs a hero, so put on your colorful tights and tighten your cape!!!

Undecided and Indecisive

After a conversation with my sexy, juicy and emotionally sporadic friend (she made me say that); it has come to my attention that we are all completely spastic!

Brace yourself, this is going to be a long one.

About eight months ago she ended an extremely long relationship with her high school sweetheart and quickly entered into a new whirlwind romance with a man who seemed to sweep her off her feet (as most southern gentlemen do). Almost immediately their new feelings blossomed and she was ready to pick up her life and move to another state to pursue her new found love. He read her thoughts, and seemingly catered to her every romantic whim, things appeared to be going in the right direction for once. She said "I knew what it was like to be a bad relationship and so did he, so neither of us wanted to continue that cycle." After moving herself practically across the country, the two moved in together and things took an awkward turn.

How come we have such high and unreasonable expectations for our lovers and not for our selves? What happens to make us change our minds and move out of the "honeymoon phase" and into a place of indecisiveness and uncertainty? Why aren't we able to make a decision and stick with it long enough to see what the outcome of a situation is?

When we really have time to think about things and reality begins to sink in, we are able to see that we may have been too hasty with our thinking and decision making and could have possibly made a mistake. Often times we are our own worst enemy. We over think, over process and over analyze everything to the max, pushing our emotional capacity to the brim. Love is uncertain and not promising on any level, we say one thing and do another, so in essence there is no way to even to pretend to guess what another person will make us feel for what they would do.

I feel as though we have to know exactly what we want out of love and relationships. (Laughing) Even though the possibility of know what we DO want is out weighed heavily by being certain of what we DON'T want. With that being said what does it take to be completely decided on something? What would make us feel secure enough in our relationship to stay, wait it out and see where our love takes us?

There are so many options in life, that we have problems making decisions; we don't know whether to go left or right, up or down or just go straight down the middle. So how in the heck are we supposed to know if we've made the right decision?

The answer here is simple...there is no right answer. We have to be secure enough to know what we want (or pretend to be), know that love is enough and be willing to take the road less traveled. Knowing everything is not what we REALLY want.

Remember that ignorance is bliss and uncertainty is sometimes the best kind of certain.