Time to Face the Music

I had an epiphany. I am a runner. I run from everything. 

You know when you have time to think about the way your life has been and you start to contemplate all the ways you have made your own life difficult, and have no choice but to get angry with yourself. I am that person. 

If I didn't like a person, place or thing I would just leave. And so far for the last 20 something years it has backfired on me tremendously. One would think that I would have learned by now to just be still and wait instead of always jumping the gun. 

Finally this time, something clicked. I wanted to be still. I know I've said how hectic my life has been over the last few years but, not only that...over the last 2 months things have been increasingly worse. We argued. He doesn't understand me. I don't believe him. He left, I stayed (in a nutshell). Yeah, I know....I STILL can't believe I stayed. 

The days when I think I can make it, are great and then something hits me and turns my temperament the exact opposite direction. I am experiencing a new kind of pain. Growing pains. It excruciating when we outgrow things, it seems as though I've outgrown my self. 

I want to convince myself that I'm strong enough to handle this, that I can really make it through the curve balls that life throws at me, but more and more I'm realizing that I'm not. I feel like the Great Wall of China. Walls so high you can't climb,  still penetrable yet; somehow UNBREAKABLE. 

I'm learning that I'm my worst enemy. The only obstacle is me. I know where I'm weak, strong and where I WON'T be broken. 

Peace and blessings...

Too Many Decisions

This is tiring.
Too many decisions to make.
Nothing solid enough to put anything to the pavement.

My brain is running in circles. Have you even been so stressed out, so angry at something or someone that you can't sleep? The last few years have been crazy. I don't think that I've had a serious good night of sleep in almost 3 years. That's crazy, isn't it?

I know that all the things that have taken place in my world I have to be able to take a some responsibility for because I continuously allow bullshit in my path.

A few days ago I watched Rihanna on Oprah's Next Chapter and I felt like I understood her. I felt like I understood why she never spoke negatively about Chris Brown. She loves him. Rihanna loves and knows that he protected her from something. She definitely played a more aggressive role in their (Rihanna and Chris Brown) falling out.

Its not her fault. Love made her do it. Women are wired so strangely that sometimes we accept poor "service" for what seems to be a valid exchange of love. Loving someone who have given yourself to is not a smart decision.

Time to COMPLETELY let go.  

*shrugs shoulders*

I Call Bullsh*t!

Whoever said that falling in love was easy is a LIAR!

Nothing about love is easy.  As a matter of fact it's a task.  Don't you get tired? It's a never ending circle, an up hill race and half of the time there isn't even a prize at the end. Damn!

When I tell you that I am tired of love, I mean it no-bloody-kidding. I'm tired of giving myself away and  not getting what I feel I need in return. Love seriously sucks. I've been in love with the same man for  six years. Now even though we haven't consistently been in a relationship for those six years, it doesn't matter; I've always considered him to be, mine.

I love him in a way most people my age can't understand, which is both a gift and a curse all at the same damn time.

But the worst part is that, I feel handicapped. I think it's because I think too much about the way I want things to be, how I see other peoples lives and I know this is the wrong way to think but I really can't help it.

I'm at an age, where I want to see my life in motion in a certain way. I want to have a family. I'm ready to settle down and get going on building something with someone who wants to help me carry some of this baggage. I know it's a lot, and I know I have to be selective when I choose him. But hell, I really played myself and thought it was you. You're the same man who makes it a point to go out of your way to be an asshole to me and make sure that I know every negative thought that you have for me. I'm over this bullshit, both yours and mine. This has gotten to be exhausting.

It's hard stepping away from what has been my "norm" for so long and step into a real single life , not knowing what's to come. Needless to say that I've gotten comfortable in my cocoon and I'm afraid to try something new with someone else. Knowing and dealing with what is in front of you is much easier than taking a chance to allow someone else into your life.

This is my security blanket. I looked at with fresh eyes today and saw that it's ben torn to shreds and its being held together by a string. It's time to burn this blanket to the ground (along with photos and other sentimental memorabilia) I'm ready to move on.

This love has definitely taken its toll on me. He's said good bye so many times before. My heart is breaking in front of me and I have no choice, but I won't say good bye any more.  (Maroon 5)



"They say love is in the air, I pray to God I do not suffer."-Lil Wayne

Chapter 1 (cont.)

Kaylnn, walked into her two-story condo, in the heart of downtown Kansas City, Missouri. Union Hill was a desirable neighborhood. It attracted a melting pot of people. It offered a unique night-life of downtown while still holding to suburb characteristics with its brick split-level homes with outdoor spiral staircases, two car garages, large decks and patios, roof-top pools in ultra modern town homes and condos.

As she rounded the entry way into the kitchen Kaylnn was startled by familiar voices coming from the TV. She'd left it on by accident and the Golden Girls were on. She quickly changed clothes, threw a bag of Orville Redenbachers' Kettle Corn in the microwave,  and went to search for her 4 month old short-haired red Cocker Spaniel, Cinnamon.


Just as she sat down to enjoy her popcorn and Golden Girls, the doorbell rang. It had only been a few hours since the bold scene she'd caused in the middle of 31st. Se knew that KCPD would want to know what she had been doing and where she was this afternoon. But she wasn't worried. Kaylnn had already thought that out.

"Hi, how can I help you?" Kaylnn answered the door.

"Hello ma'am, are you Kaylnn Richards? Can we come in for a moment?" A blond female officer said.


Seven Months Ago....

Kaylnn received a 3 dozen long stem roses from Damar, for what she thought was no reason at all. As she read the card, she realized two small things, she wasn't with Damar last night and her name wasn't Tocarra! She'd wanted so desperately to confront the love of her life with the information that she had been provided with clearly by mistake; but for some reason she did not. Kaylnn was smarter than that she'd hold on to this bit of intelligence and she where it took her.

"Hey lover," Kaylnn said as Damar answered the phone.

"Hey love, what's up with you?" Even though she was thoroughly pissed by the flowers she decided to play it cool.

"Not too much, I just got a beautiful bouquet of roses from someone who loves me today." Kaylnn cooed, to see what he would say next.

"Oh really? I wonder who sent those," he laughed "it better not be from any of your frat brothers!"

Unbelievable she thought. He doesn't even sound like he could be caught. This pissed her off even more, but still she played the role. "Well they aren't signed by anyone, so it looks like I have an admirer. Anyway are we still on for dinner tonight?"

"Admirer my ass, the only man I want admiring you is ME!" Damar exclaimed half serious, half joking.

"Whatever boy...I'll see you around 8." She laughed but she knew right then, that shit was about to get real messy with Damar.

No Looking Back (Chap. 1)

Ok world, for years I've thought about being a novelist; I've read hundreds of books by some of the best fiction writers of today. I think I am FINALLY ready to give it a shot. Let me know what you think as I am very interested in your feedback. 

Here goes nothing....

                                    No Looking Back

Chapter 1

Kaylynn walked away from him, knowing that once she got in her car and drove away, she would never feel the same towards Damar. She knew that in every possible way her life and relationship with him would change...if he made it.

The sirens jarred her from her daydream, she jumped into her 13 year old Pontiac Grand AM and did her best to speed away from the chaos that she had brought to an abrupt end, she never wanted to look back, and hopefully she never would. 

Not even 10 minutes before, Kaylnn walked up on Damar's, brand new SUV and put more holes in it than Scarface had in him at the end of that movie. She tucked her baby .380 back in her Louie duffle  and hoped that Damar and that bitch where still inside. She didn't want to kill them but she did want them to hurt as much as they'd hurt her. She wanted them to have a pysical reminder of the pain they caused her.

For the last six years Kaylnn and Damar had been in an unhealthy relationship, cheating, lying, misgivings and misunderstandings were the cornerstones of their courtship. But even though the negatives constantly seemed to out weigh the positives, something had held them captives of their love. 

Kaylynn, was a staff writer for the paper in Kansas City; she loved writing with all her heart and believed that it would take her far in her life. She appreciated knowing that she was able to impact peoples lives through her words, for that reason she was sure to choose them carefully. She and Damar had been college sweethearts. They met one night at a sorority party that she just so happened to stop in on as she was home from Tennessee to visit her family. 

Immediately she was attracted to him; she knew that Damar was something special. He was tall, milk chocolate, perfect teeth, deep waves in his hair and he always made sure that he looked and smelled like a small piece of heaven! From the moment she saw him, she knew she had to have him in her life. Kaylnn loved him on site. 

Before Damar she'd never been one to believe in love at first sight and from now on she would run from the feeling if it ever again came her way. Damar was her dream man, he'd possessed all of the qualities that she had been looking for. For so long she thought she needed him, but not any more.

She pulled into the line at the gas station in downtown Kansas City, and decided that it was now safe to make a call since she was so far away from the wreckage. 

"Hey Granny," she called the only person in the world would tell her the gospel truth, her grandmother. 

"Hey babe how are you today?" 

"Not so good granny, I'm thinking about quitting the paper" 

"Why, I thought you loved working there, isn't that why you spent all that time in college?" She said laughing. 

Kaylnn had spent 6 long years playing around and taking her sweet-time finishing her bachelors degree in journalism. 'Who cares how long it took me' she thought, it was a great time and worth it. 

She laughed "yes Granny, but I don't think that my career is taking off like I want it to. Plus, I think I want to move closer to you and Papa." 

She hated not being able to tell her grandmother the whole reason why she wanted to move out of the city, but she knew it was for the best and that later after everything died down she would be able to confide in her Granny as she'd always had. 

After stopping at the gas station, she went home, to wait on what she was sure to come, a visit from the Kansas City Police Department.